So, did you have a good Christmas? Did Santa bring you lots of goodies? Ah, I'm glad.

My Christmas? Well I have to say that Christmas 2008 was the best Christmas in years. Me, Jas, the kids, and Papa Bear, playing Connect 4, watching Only Fools and Horses, and having a thoroughly good time.

I have consumed my own body weight in cream crackers, turning my urine the most amazing fluorescent orange colour - almost as though I had irradiated myself sucking on a stick of Uranium. We have eaten our way through enough chocolate to make even a chocoholic queezy.

The turkey was perfectly cooked, and on time, even though the oven through a wobbly and refused to heat up properly. Everything was perfect. Absolutely perfect. The brandy sauce for the Christmas pudding could easily have tranquilised a bull elephant, but wow it was delicious!

It was great to have four days off work. So good infact that when the alarm woke me up on Sunday, I was adamant it had done it of it's own accord and had made a huge mistake. Oh the whoa when I waited half an hour for my first bus, and then the 40 minutes extra I waited for the second. I was meant to be off today, but decided to be helpful and turn in for a couple of hours today. So that would be two and a half hours work, and four hours travelling too and from work. Oh joy!

I have decided to make two New Years resolutions this year: to 1) lose weight, and 2) to get a motorbike.

Have a great New Years. Don't get too drunk and all that jazz.

While on the bus coming home from work, I saw THE most garish, overly-done house I've ever seen. You know the kind? Enough lights to drain the resources of the National Grid. Santa Clauses, in various designs, some swinging, some going up and down on ropes. Signs flashing "Merry Christmas" as if the owner of such 'decorations' is calling on everyone who sees them to have a seizure. They also had one of those 8ft air blown snowmen, complete with top hat and sweeping brush.

Do you know what I was thinking as I passed this crazy looking grotto?

I was thinking, oooooooooh I'd love that!!

The tree shall be going up tomorrow. We shall decorate the house in all manner of tinsel and craziness.

Bad Puppy doesn't ever mean to be mean.

If I offend you, please take a ticket and fuck off.

That is all.

Have a lovely day!

I'm worried....

How much longer is this Nanny-state bull shit going to continue? It seems for the past two weeks, all I've seen is the controversy surrounding Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross. I have hesitated to write about it. Until now.

Now I listened as the "offending" show went out live on air. Yes, I cringed when Wossy proclaimed to Andrew Sachs' answering machine, of course I did. But as soon as I heard those immortal words "he fucked your Grandaughter!", I thought oh no, I'm sure that wasn't supposed to be broadcast to the nation......... It seems Wossy instigated it and Russ tried to wind him back in. I admit telephoning a 78 year old man and telling him what his Grandaughter had been up to was probably not the best thing to do....... however, the BBC then air a PRE-RECORDED show, uncut, was probably worse. I am sure Mr. Sachs must know what his beloved Georgina is like? For those of you who don't know, Miss Baillie, 23, is in a dance troup called The Satanic Sluts. Now, I'm no prude, and to be honest I couldn't give a baboons arse what she does, but there are videos out there, demonstrating quite clearly that the dance troop in question aren't ballet dancers.....

There were two complaints made to the BBC regarding the show. Then, last Sunday, the Mail on Sunday decided to write about it all - OVER A WEEK AFTER THE SHOW AIRED!!! The BBC's own Points of View forum was ignited by people, the majority who hadn't even heard the bloody show, all jumped on the band wagon calling for Russ and Wossy's heads on platters. Now ther have been over 30,000 complaints!!!

Russ resigned, as did radio 2 controller Leslie Douglas. Wossy was suspended for three months without pay.

This whole sorry affair has been blown completely out of proportion. Of course poor Georgina is completely mortified now her Grandad knows she's a slag. But fear not! A kiss-and-tell shall give you your five minutes of fame, before you fade back into the obscurity from where you came. You must be so depressed!

People need to get a grip. We are not living in Dickensian times. Russ said the media is there to keep us spell-bound and stupid. How right he was!

Russ, I wish you well in all you do in the future. Maybe though, in that future, you'll be more careful who you trust with personal information.

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark work place that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, V.Gina

Being a bisexual kind of gal, I'm always a bit perplexed as to why people automatically assume that people of my persuasion what to jump their bones. An assumption of heterosexuality induces an air of calm. it seems. But, as soon as you hint that you swing both ways, all of a sudden things aren't the same.

Let me tell you all something right now: just because you're female, doesn't mean that I want anything from you other than friendship. Don't flatter yourself into thinking that you are that hot that I will be leaving a snail trail behind me whenever I'm in your presence.

I see the good old chain letter is still alive and well, and living on Facebook. Forward this message to 15 friends or you shall die a very painful and prolonged death....... blah blah.........

Seriously.

Why?

I shall post a new one! Oh yes, it shall be magnificent!

"Forward this message to 15 of your friends or FUCK ALL will happen! Seriously! I tried it twice and fucking nothing happened at fucking all!"

I know what you're doing. You try so hard to cover your tracks and deny anything is wrong, but I know you too well. My Gran used to say "your lies will find you out". That's so true. But here is the £60,000 question: what do you do with the lie when you've found it standing there in front of you? Do you try and ignore it, hoping to keep the fake equilibrium? Or, do you do what "sensible" people do, and out that lie, while accepting that, if you do, your life will once again be put on that roller coaster you've been so used to riding for so long?

It's like those crap day time talk shows you watch. The host asks the guest why they stay put, accepting the shit the other guest deals them day in and day out. And they respond "because I love him". And then you're up on your feet, screaming at the T.V. "What are you doing, you stupid bitch?! That isn't love - that's desperation! Clinging on to something that should have been dead and buried a long time ago!".

Sometimes, I wish life was simple.

Thought of the day....

Some people are like slinkies. They don't really have a purpose, but they still make you smile when you push them down the stairs.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5. A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6. My brother goes out in his boat with his girlfriend, and comes back with crabs. (Emily age 5)

7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9. I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13. On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7).

Got a new hamster on the 12th. Another homeless little mite. She's called Twinkle

Bloody hell.

Went to the dentist today. Needed a filling and a polish. The dentist gave me local anesthetic, but I still felt the drill. When she started on the clean, you could have peeled me off the ceiling with a fish slice it hurt so much. So I'm being referred to the dental hospital to have it done under twilight sedation. Oh joy....

Funny thing is though, my other half is shit scared of dental procedures at the best of times. He can't stand injections in his mouth. So he's having his work done under sedation too lol

Life isn't too bad at the mo - I've been in my new job almost 4 weeks. I work in a pet store, in the fish section. We are just about to start the marine tanks cycling with damsels, not sure if that is ethical, but I am merely a minion. I also really need the pay cheque. God, that sounds awful..... I care deeply about the animals we sell, I just wish they wouldn't use them to cycle tanks.

It's all very new and exciting. The layout of the department is excellent, and the equipment is really good too. We found a crab in the live rock in the coral garden. In fact (and don't laugh), I could spend hours looking at the live rock - so many wonderful little organisms on and in it.

I have a real passion for marine life. I've been reading and researching for a decade, but haven't quite plucked up the courage to embark on my own practical journey. I plan on doing so in the next year however.

Gillian McKeith. Four foot nothing of pure evil. Why is it that whenever I chose to eat something delicious (a Cornish pasty sarnie with lashings of tomato ketchup), does this woman suddenly appear on my television screen, dissecting a lump of someones rather sloppy excrement? I shall hunt her down.......

If there was anyone in need of a good shag, it's her.

I managed (finally) to take a decent picture of one of my Chinese dwarfs, Theo. He seems to be on the mend since his run in with his brother last week, putting on weight nicely.

Following the story on the Austrian incest case, I have wonder HOW the wife of the father could not have known what was going on in the cellar below her home, where her daughter and three children were being kept. Elizabeth had been in labour six times during those twenty-four years in captivity, raised six children, yet no one above heard anything?!?!?!

I can't even imagine what Elizabeth and her children must have gone through. When her eldest daughter became seriously ill, and her father "allowed" her to be taken to hospital, that is the first time in their lives that those children had ever seen daylight.

Every day on the news, we hear appalling stories of war and suffering. Hopefully, just this once, the plight of Elizabeth and her family will have a happy ending.

I was just thinking (dangerous habit, I know), I still haven't introduced my Chinese dwarfs Theo and Sky to the world. I'm afraid that getting Sir D settled in has resulted in a temporary lull in the attention my other boys have got. Theo and Sky are brothers, aged around 15 weeks (you can never be sure of the exact age when it comes to pet shop hams). They live in a nice sized cage, with 2 hours and 2 wheels. They both run from hand to hand, and explore arms and shoulders. I wanted to say they enjoyed doing these things, but I don't know if they do!

This is Sky. Sky is bit of a juvenile delinquent by all accounts. It seems one of his favourite pass times is to make Theo squeek.



This is Theo. Theo has a little fluffy piece of white fluff on his forehead. This makes it easy for me to tell them apart, as Sky doesn't have the fluffy bit. Appologies for the poor picture quality, Chinese hams move very fast!

Bought Sir D a lovely new cage yesterday from Wilko's. Was amazed it only cost 20 quid!! It's on 3 levels, with tubes connecting levels. Sir D soon got to work exploring - he now has a great love for climbing, much to my dismay. He monkey bars it across the wires across the top of the cage and uses his mouth to grip onto the side wires so he can get down. Apart from when he misses.....

He slept (and I use that term loosely) in my room last night. All i heard all night was *scratch* *scratch* *scratch* *scratch* *scratch* *THUD*, as he fell. This morning, I noticed he had moved all of his bedding to the second level of his cage. I'm assuming to help cushion his falls.

Well, at least now he is out of that tiny Habitrail cage.

He has arrived!!!

Gus brought him round about 12 O'Clock, and got him out. He is gorgeous!! Straight on my hand, up my arm, and onto my shoulder. It struck me how much heavier he is than my two Chinese dwarfs. He is as big as my hand - four times the size of Sky and Theo!! All white, with a lovely light cream colour at the top of his shoulders and the top around his head.

Sir Dandelion is now asleep. I gave him some extra shredded toilet tissue for his bedding, and he spent a bit of time re-arranging it until it was just right, then he laid down on his side and closed his eyes. I watched him through the plastic, and he was facing me with his little paws drawn up to his chest. Adorable!!!

It's a lovely stewfor dinner today, so I gave all my hammies a little piece of carrot and swede each in their bowls to munch when they wake up this evening.

Will be getting him a lovely new cage soon, as the one he came in was tiny. It's one of those stupid Habitrail playground's - the plastic things only really fun for kids. He finds it a bit of a challenge leaving his bed to get into the main part of the cage because the tube connecting them is too small. I have my eye on a lovely huge cage on ebay, so here's hoping he won't have to live in the Habitrail for much longer.

I want to thank Gus for bringing him into my life. I want to thank Joe for rescuing from his previous owners and giving him a lovely Silent Spinner. Thanks guys, I promise he will be extremely well looked after, and thank you for entrusting me with him :-)

My New Obsession

Dear friends, I firmly believe I have gone hamsterifickly crazy. It seems for the past three months, my life has been filled with all things hamster (much to the annoyance of my dear dear other half). My obsession has grown to such an extent, that I am adopting THE most adorable, gorgeous little man EVER tomorrow. He shall hence forth be known as Sir Dandelion and he shall be lord and master of York. People shall bow to his every whim. I have a shopping trip planned for tomorrow to get him lots of goodies.

Exciting times indeed!

Yours

The not so grown up 29 year old but still brimming with excitement none-the-less

Bad Puppy

A few weeks ago (13th February I think), I bought the little darlings a hamster each. Little Chinese dwarfs. Theo and Captain Jack they came to be named. Six days later, Theo died. It was a very sad occasion, tears in abundance. I took the dead hammie and Captain Jack back to the pet shop where it was discovered that Theo had died of wet tail. After a lot of research, I've found that most breeders and owners agree that this is only a disease affecting Syrian hamsters. However, it was confirmed that poor Theo had contracted it. Amazing how quick it happened. At 1pm, he was fine; eating and drinking. Went to check on him at 4pm and he was stiff as a board. Poor soul.

So today, I go and get the replacements. The guy at the shop said they'd help me out with cash toward the taxi fair but I had a lift, so asked if I could take another hamster instead. They agreed.

They had five little boys in and these hammies like to be kept in groups, so I thought "if I take two, and someone else takes two, there's going to be a very lonely hammie left all on his own", hence why I asked for another.

Got them into their new home, which is in my bedroom at the moment so they can settle in OK and not have little fingers poking at them.

Probably won't be getting much sleep tonight.......

And the idiot of the year so far award goes to.....

An Australian man had a miracle escape when a train rolled over him as he slept between railway tracks, police said Friday.

The 20-year-old was having a snooze on the sleepers between the tracks when the train approached him in the early hours of Thursday morning at Port Augusta, in South Australia state, the said.

The driver spotted the man and tried to brake but the locomotive could not halt in time.

The train rolled over the man, who was lying in a slight dip, leaving him relatively unscathed, police said.

Local reports said he was believed to be drunk and train operator Freightlink said he was lucky to be alive.

"It was probably lucky he was lying in such a way that the train actually went over him, rather than across him," Freightlink general manager Tony Aldridge told The Australian newspaper, adding it was "not the best place" to take a nap.

"The normal process is people are not as fortunate as this man was," he was quoted as saying.

The man was taken to Port Augusta hospital, where a spokeswoman said he was treated for minor scrapes and bruising ahead of his expected release Friday afternoon.