Reindeer

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known...

ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Madonna's Wooley Nightmare

So Madonna is copping it from the animal police for dying her sheep for a photo shoot. Mads had them coloured blue, pink, yellow and green for the book Vogue Living: Houses, Gardens, People, which profiles 36 celebrity homes and gardens.

The RSPCA went Mad Onna (geddit?!)

Naughty Teddy

Had to laugh at a news item today in which an English teacher working in Sudan has been arrested for allowing a teddy bear to be named Mohammed.

Come on folks, this political correctness bullshit has gone too far..

Therefor, I'm gonna name my next child Adolf.

Autumn Watch

Ah, so there it is for another year. Some fabulous stuff shown, eh?

What about them beavers!! And good old Ceaser, what a trooper.

I've been imagining Kate Humble tied to my bed recently. Oh how I'll miss that little minx on my screen.

They were talking about what to do with the grey squirrel invasion rampaging across our green and pleasant land. And I had a brilliant idea!!! Our native red squirrels should learn karate so they can whoop those Americans outta there. Boyakasha!!

Today was not a good day. It started off well but went crashing down a deep dark slope just after 3:30 when the kids got home from school. When every few seconds, I heard the word "Mum...........?", followed by some demand or other, I started to feel a bit crap. After "Mum...........?" had been said about a hundred times in the space of half an hour, I sort of just snapped. Told them to bugger off with their incessant demands and annoy someone else for a while.

So I have become a moody cow. And I feel bad about it.

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the f*** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the f***ing floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f***?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f***ing does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?

Jeremy Kyle

While having the misfortune of watching Jezza Kyle this morning, I got to thinking, how long will it be before someone smacks him upside his pompous, self-loving mush and his security not getting there quick enough to protect him.

Soon, I hope.

Dear old HSE

Ah, they've really surpassed themselves this time. It seems (as in my blog about the Government "think-tank" a few days ago), that the Health and Safety executive has woken up one morning and thought to itself "I worry about those dear ladies in those wet t-shirts. Whatever should I do to help their plight?".

Yep, they want to ban wet t-shirt competitions incase the buxom beauties catch a chill.

And I almost spat my cornflakes all over the monitor laughing as I read the story.

Nuff said.

Men in enclosed spaces

Went to Wetherby today for the races. Had a few winners, made a few pennies.

After what seemed like miles, we finally made it to the bus stop. And that's when it happened.......

I have 2 questions!!

Question numero uno; why do guys pee everywhere? We were stood with some guys at the bus stop and one of them had a pee in full view of everyone (including my little peapod) and didn't seem to care. So, I turned round AND THERE WAS ANOTHER GUY DOING THE SAME THING!!!!! Why???????????????????????

Question numero deux; why, on a bus chocca-block full of people does someone ALWAYS do a silent but THE most deadly fart EVER and it invades my sinuses and makes me heave. EVERY BLOODY TIME!!!!!!

It's grim

Ban Christmas?!?!?!?!?!?!

So, now they want to ban Christmas? Incredible!

A Government Think-tank has been sitting round, conjuring up solutions to problems which don't exist again, boys and girls. Apparently, Christmas should be "downgraded" (whatever that means) "unless other religious festivals are marked on an even footing". Who complained, I wonder?

I wonder if these think tanks have ever done any research into the utter rhubarb they think the country needs to know about. I doubt it. Why do they even exist?

We live in a marvelous country with so many different religious and cultural views. Have any Muslim or Jewish citizens EVER complained about a Christmas tree in the office where they work?

Surely, if we are all meant to live together on this little island, we have to be tolerant to the cultural differences we have? I mean, come on, there are a lot of people who celebrate Christmas in this country who aren't even religious. They don't look upon Christmas day as the day the baby Jesus was born. They see it as a day when the family should be together and show love to one another.

"It emerged in 2006 that three out of four employers were not putting up Christmas decorations in the workplace for fear of offending staff of other cultures". Yes, and why is that? Because men in suits who work for the Government tell them not to!

I think this is much ado about sod all. Usually is of course.